I know even less about writing than medicine. But here's what I've figured out so far. I'm certain in another few weeks/months/years, this information will change dramatically. But for now….

1) That English writing major? Doesn't help one bit. Neither did that erudite senior seminar paper "Analyzing Literary Analytic Style: The Major Works of Stanley Fish's Literary Criticism." Means nothing in the real world of publishing. (That was a real title for my real senior seminar class that subsequently cemented my desire to study harder for the MCAT and go into medicine and NOT shoot for a masters in English.)

2) I thought I knew grammar, but apparently 4 years of college and I still don't know where to stick a comma. That's why God made editors.

3) Just when you think the book is perfectly logical and well-thought-out, some smarty pants comes along and totally punches holes all through the book. Stuff you hadn't even considered but then later are like, "Yeah, why DID the hero suddenly leave? That makes no sense."

4) A good editor is worth their weight in gold. And chocolate.

5) It's easier to negotiate a book series when you've already written the entire series. 

6) It's fabulous to have great ideas. It's another thing entirely to get them written down. Coherently.

7) Not a clue about marketing for a romance novel. Not one clue. Still just clicking "favorite" and hoping for the best. Reading lots of articles helps, too.

8) Just when you think there's no way they can fit more muscles on that dude on the front cover, blammo, more muscles. And it's at that point you realize : the cover is better when it's super sexy, not when it's super accurate. And that's a-ok.

9) Don't argue with the publishing machine. They've done this a million times and obviously it works or they wouldn't be in business. You have done nothing prior except for a publish a poem in the Yalobusha Review. (Yes, that' s a thing and yes, I was in it, once upon a time.) Until you become a Nora Roberts, it's ok to defer to someone with more knowledge. Within reason, of course.

10) There's tons of free advice, and most is worth exactly what you paid for it. Pick and choose mentors and information sources carefully.  

Bonus: Writing the book and finishing the book is only the first 10% of the job. The other 90% is selling the book and writing more books. (And eating chocolate, but that goes without saying.)

The practice of medicine has been part of my life for 15+ years now. The lessons keep coming. Just when I think I've got a great handle on things, new information comes out or I see something I've never seen before. 

Here's what I've learned so far in medicine.

1) The learning doesn't stop at med school, residency or fellowship. That just scratches the surface. God, I was such a little punk then. Clueless.

2) Most of what is learned doesn't come from a book. It comes from experience, or it comes from instinct (a fancy word for experience + gut feeling). And it comes from trial and error.

3) Dr. House is right. Patients lie. All the time. Unless you can get them to trust you and tell you the whole ugly truth. Sometimes this will happen. But usually not when it involves controlled substance prescriptions.

4) There is humor in anything, even the process of dying. Sounds sick, right? Many patients have told me that they appreciate feeling "human" when I can still make (appropriate of course) jokes with them, even as they enter hospice. Everyone deserves to be treated like a human, not a collection or organs.

5) Emotional separation is necessary and possibly career-preserving for the physician. It's possible to care but not absorb all of the pain and suffering. Not having this ability to separate from the situation leads to depression and burnout. (been there)

6) No way will I ever meet every single person's needs. Ever. I get hateful messages when I take a week off. Or, a patient yells at the staff to get them their prescription rightthisminute and the patient doesn't particularly care that I'm out of the office on an emergency to save a mother/baby.

7) Good nurses save my ass. And sometimes cover it. This is why I kiss theirs.

8) Calculating dosages of medication at 3am is not safe for anyone involved.

9) I would have made much more money and had much less debt and much better work hours if I'd gotten an MBA. But holding a new baby is way better than holding a spreadsheet. Any. Day. Of. The. Week.  

10) It's better to be lucky than good. Being both is nirvana.

Bonus) Spending two hours of suturing a massive injury ("I don't know how the chainsaw got away from me, doc.") is still one of the most relaxing activities around. Satisfying, too. And fun, especially when the patient regales me with tales of how the injury occurred. Sometimes these tales are even true.

Oh my, doesn't that title sound all romance-y and idealistic? Does it conjure up images of a perfectly groomed office and a woman in a fur-lined robe, madly typing away all day long, no cares in the world, eating boxes of perfectly packaged gourmet bon-bons whilst classical music wafts in an inspirational manner in the background?

So, here's the real day in the life of a procrastinating wannabe romance novelist.

Woke up to a cat grooming my head. Do you know what that weird kitty tongue does to hair? It pulls each individual strand, one at a time. Dammit, it's Saturday and I'm up before 7.

Kitty leads me to the fresh puke on the floor. Stares at me with a glint in her eye and then returns to bed where she promptly falls asleep. I am, unfortunately, wide awake. Snores from hubby emanate from the bedroom. Fabulous. Time for breakfast.

Yippee, Saturday. Sure, I'm on call, but there'll be plenty of time to get lots of writing done, right?

2 hours of my life, gone. Apparently the internet has taken me from Twitter to cute puppies to ASPCA videos to pitiful animals to news articles about animal cruelty. I'm mad about the pitiful animals, but haven't accomplished much more than wanting to get another pound kitty.

All right, after I check the Twitter feed, I'll be ready to write.

1.5 more hours later have elapsed. It's like I was in a coma. There are no memories of this time. Perhaps aliens have abducted me.

Even though I'm still in jammies, it's now time for lunch. Yes, in jammies. At some point, I should brush my teeth.

Out of jammies, finally. On treadmill, with freshly-brushed teeth, watching Game of Thrones. I'm going to say it: there are some really high quality abs, pectoralis muscles, and…other anatomical parts on these episodes. Walking faster through those aforementioned high-quality segments of the show.

After a shower, I'm ready to sit down and do some writing for the afternoon.

Until phone rings and emergency c-section ensues.

Dear lordie, that gal was 300 pounds and shaped like a sphere! I pulled an armpit muscle trying to get baby out of her pelvis. And the uterine repair was an adventure. Now all I can think about is wound healing, bleeding, and secondary infection, since her sub-q space (adipose layer) was 5-6 inches thick. That's a lot of space to have stuff go wrong. Dadgum.

Need a shower again. Between working hard and getting flop sweat when I couldn't get the uterus back into the abdomen for a minute there, and for the benefit of humanity, another shower is in order.

On a whim, hubby and I go out to eat and invite colleague and his wife to join us.

Colleague (old enough to be my father, by the way) proceeds to drink all of us under the table. I'm impressed. And thankful he's not on call. He apparently likes to say the word "cock" out of context and loudly. It's a small town. At least 3 patients I know look over at our table. I'll be hearing about this come Monday.

Back home a few hours later. Time to really REALLY work on writing. After checking Twitter and email first, that is.

Seriously, am I in some kind of time warp? It's already 10 pm? What the heck happened? Well, can't start writing now. I'm tired.

But there is time to do this blog about a day in the life of a (non writing) romance novelist….

Public service announcement : I am alarmed by the amount of disease symptoms found in the typical text of romance novels. For the health and safety of the hero/heroines, I feel it my duty to alert my author colleagues of potentially life-threatening character conditions and suggest care and management options that all authors can employ.

So without benefit of typing symptoms into WebMD, here goes.

#1) "Her flashing eyes" -- Could be conjunctivitis, bilateral cataracts, or retinoblastoma (RB). Forget that RB is typically fatal by age 5 if untreated and your character is 25. We're not dealing in 100% reality with this romance novel thing anyway, are we?

#2) "His heart beat a tattoo against his chest" -- Clearly this description represents atrial fibrillation with rapid ventricular response. Give IV cardizem and if that fails, push amiodarone. FYI, expect to personally drop a load when you give amidarone. This med causes a prolonged pause in the heart where the person looks, well, dead, as they can be pulseless for several seconds until the heart rhythm resets and "jump-starts." (hopefully restarts)

#3) "Moisture pooled" (female) -- Uh, gonorrhea, maybe? Can I have more details? Does the moisture smell like dead fish or is it neon green? Ok, if not, then answer me this: is she pregnant? Because rupture of membranes might not be good. Finally, is she a "more mature" heroine? Consider OAB (overactive bladder). How to treat? Well, that Depends…

#4) "Loins tightened"/"bulging loins" (male) -- See reference to gonorrhea above. Inguinal lymphadenopathy, anyone? How about let's raise some awareness for testicular cancer. Anything resembling a mass needs to be evaluated, pronto, and not by the heroine's "tentative, gentle, probing fingers". Come on, she's not a trained professional, unless of course your heroine just so happens to be a urologist. In that case, game on with the probing. If it's part of foreplay, I believe your insurance cannot be charged the medical fee.

#5) "His essence tasted sweet" -- I'm going with diabetes on this one.

#6) "Her essence tasted sweet" -- Yup, yeast infection. Or flavored lubricant. Use clinical judgement.

#7) "A muscle jumped in his jaw" -- Is your burly hero up to date on his tetanus booster? Has he had an encounter with rusty metal or plant materials (sliced by a medieval blade or running through the woods to escape the bad guys)? If you don't get him tetanus immunoglobulin, every muscle in his body, including the diaphragm, will go into spasm and he will die. Awake. Suffocating to death. Opisthotonic. Don't do that to your hero. It's a rotten way to die.

#8) "Her mouth went dry" -- Uh oh. Let's talk xerostomia (pathologically dry mouth). Normally attributed to medications or illicit drug use or salivary gland tumors. Review medication list, perform urine tox screen, or CT the head and neck -- whichever is appropriate to the situation.

#9) "His gut clenched" -- Good grief, this guy's gonna die. Differential includes appendicitis, Crohn's disease, pancreatic cancer, irritable bowel syndrome, colon cancer, exploding prostate, and flatulence, to name a few items. Comprehensive testing is in order.

#10) "Her breath caught" -- Well, dammit, can't anyone remember ABC's of resuscitation? Airway, breathing, circulation. Sounds like mouth-to-mouth (no tongue please, we're professionals here) is a good start. Check for foreign body (again, not with your tongue, dude). Is she allergic? Did she eat a peanut and has anaphylaxis? This calls for emergency medical care with a shot of epi STAT.

Bonus condition "Even though they had just had rapturous, earth-shattering sex for the past several hours, he found himself hard for her again." Ok, let's have a frank talk about priapism. It's not just a funny-sounding word. It's a medical emergency. Nothing kills the mood faster than having to drain the dorsal vein of the penis with a 22 gauge 1 1/2 inch needle. Or so I've heard. (Didn't hurt me one bit.)  :)

Legal disclaimer: None of the information contained herein is intended for use by the untrained author to treat or diagnose their characters' medical conditions. For characters' persistent or life-threatening conditions, please consult an editor for further assistance. If I can save the life (or reproductive organs) of just one fictional character, then this work has been worth it.

I see babies every day of my work week and some on weekends. I live with cuddly cats. But this link has more serotonin-enhancing properties than anything I can prescribe. Just try and watch it without saying "Aww."


http://homerfans.me/cats-playing-with-babies-too-cute