#1) Is the main character based on you?

#2) Is the hero/villain/spunky sidekick based on someone you know?

#2.5) Not mentioned but you know they wanna ask: Is that scene how you have sex? (OMFG, do I WISH I were that flexible...and orgasmically refractory for eight hours at a stretch. As it stands, if I attempted 10% of one my sex scenes, I'd need a total hip replacement and rods placed into my back.)

#3) Do you have some kind of mental problem or need counseling? Because I read that book and there's a lot of violence and evil stuff and um....

#4) Why can't you write more books per month/year/decade? (You're right, I'm lazy. It's the only plausible explanation.)

#5) From my Mom (who by the way, does NOT know that I write dark paranormal, athletically- and unrealistically-sexy romance novels): Why don't you write one of those romance novels? You'd be good at it. (um....)

#6) Will you put me in your next book? (Thanks, hubby. No.)

#7) Can I have copies to give to my friends/family/coworkers?

#8) Are the guys on the cover real? (Please, baby Jesus, please make those cover guys be real and let them come over to visit.)

#9) Why don't you write something like that Twilight stuff? Seems like it was really popular. (Someone already sold their soul to Satan and did this already....)

#10) Why can't this book be sexier? Why can't this book be cleaner? (Please confer first and THEN pick 1 complaint.)

No preamble. Here goes.

#10) "Doc, I've had a 99 temp since this morning and have a runny nose. I need antibiotics so I can go shopping/water skiing/off-roading this weekend."

(These are the same folks that check the "not satisfied" box on the patient survey when I recommend NO antibiotics based on radical concepts like "medical evidence" and "exam findings".)

#9) "Why can't Dr. Jill see me? I'm only an hour late. She knows I can't wake up before 10am."

(Look, when you made this appointment 1 month ago, there were numerous options for appointment times, including late afternoon. My apologies for not hanging out at the front desk and intervening on behalf of your delicate biorhythms, but administration wants me to actually SEE PATIENTS during business hours.)

#8) "Diet and exercise doesn't work for me. I have a glandular problem. Even though my thyroid levels are 100% normal, I still must have thyroid medication to make me lose weight."

(The reason your weight doesn't go down has to do with the 1 liter Mtn. Dew you're sipping and with the fact you consider daily exercise to be walking from your car to the office. A thyroid pill will give you an arrhythmia and osteoporosis. "Not satisfied" box checked yet again. I will be fired by next week.)

#7) "Just give me the fat pill. But make sure it won't cost me anything."

(This is going to be a big disappointment. Exercise is free. Reducing calories is free. Popping Contrave, Qsymia, or Belviq will cost you anywhere from $50-300/month. About as much as your cigarettes + daily Mtn. Dew habit costs.)

#6) "Can your staff just watch my baby while I run to the grocery store?"

(I cannot make up this s%@t.)

#5) Friday. 3pm. I've been in the office the prior 4 days. Appointment slots have been available. Phone note:  "Please have Dr. Jill admit Granny to the nursing home. We have to go to a niece's wedding tomorrow."

(I haven't done the required face-to-face visit, I don't know if Granny actually qualifies for nursing home care, and I'm up to my eyeballs in actual honest-to-Pete emergencies on this lovely Friday afternoon. Failure to plan on your part....Results in a low satisfaction rating on my part...)

#4) Phone note. "Patient 7 months pregnant, contracting and water leaking FOR 5 DAYS. Wonders what to do."

(5 days? Now you're calling???)

#3) "While I'm here today, could you just "take a quick look" at my 4 children who have runny noses. Also, could you fill out this packet so I can get my Zippy wheelchair?"

(Nothing is quick about working in 4 ill children. But what really makes you mad is the fact that you'll have to wait a bit until I can get the kids squeezed into the schedule, but by God, I'll try and help. Then I have to generate an actual patient note including vital signs, exam findings and treatment. For this, your insurance will be charged and you might have a copay. And that pisses you off even more. As for the Zippy paperwork, insurance mandates this be done as a separate visit. I agree, that's a stupid policy. But if you want it paid for, you must make another appointment.)

#2) I'm 34 weeks along. Why can't I be induced? My mom/friend/cousin/facebook pal's doctor did it for them. The baby came at 34 weeks and it did fine.

(sigh)

#1) The only thing I can take for my fibromyalgia pain is Percocet. 6 times daily. I'm allergic to tylenol.

(You realize Percocet contains TYLENOL, right?)