Those comments might demonstrate my rather plebeian upbringing, but bear with me.

#1) Groups of ladies going out. They all are dressed the same. (dress/mini and wedges and same exact hairdo) Kind of strange.

#2) Back fat is apparently something to be very proud of. And flaunt.

#3) Back hair is apparently something to be very proud of. And flaunt. (dude, please, just…a shirt, that's all I ask)

#4) Trucks with mostly naked people depicted on them, driving up and down the strip. Marketing must work, or they wouldn't be clogging up 6 lanes of traffic with these rolling, gas-guzzling billboards.

#5) Tourists. From tour buses. I will not name ethnicities, but holy smokes, they're like lemmings, all grouped up, stranded on a traffic island, snapping pictures at -- what? the sky? lights? -- and then doing weird semi-glamor shot poses with their besties. 

#6) Lots of ambulances. Makes me nervous to walk around because if someone drops in front of me, I'm kind of obligated to help. There are a lot of ambulances going around here. Probably communicable diseases as well.

#7) Fake hair and makeup. And I'm not talking about on the ladies.

#8) My husband, an area 51 aficionado, completely obsessed about the Janet terminal. (If you know that reference, then you're just as much of a conspiracy theorist as he is. And you probably watch Ancient Aliens on the History channel. Which, by the way isn't really HISTORY, is it? Anyway.)

#9) Did I just seriously pay $3 for a bottle of diet Pepsi? Why yes, yes I did. And apparently, I said "Thank you". Ugh.

#10) Ok, so please don't judge. But how in the world are people ok with making bets of thousands of dollars, where more often than not, that money just >poof< goes away? I watched one guy at a table drop $25K and all I could think was "that money would pay for a lot of student loans and JCPenneys outfits". Obviously, I'm a real high roller. Yup.

So as an author, I kind of fell in love with the hero, Peter Blackstone, from my first novel Immortal Flame. "Who wouldn't" (based on a great review, thanks, ESR Reviews!) fall in love with him?

For the record, I am happily married to a sweet and funny guy. So anything I share presumes a non-martial status prior to aforementioned dating situation….

Here's why I would date Peter Blackstone:

#1) Such intense eyes

#2) Sacrifice for a woman he loves (twice)

#3) Single-minded focus on his work, which becomes single-minded focus on the woman he loves. Yum.

#4) Hard, corded muscles ("I hate nice, toned muscles," said no red-blooded woman, ever.)

#5) That sensitive spot he has for children

#6) He's protective and powerful but recognizes Allie's own strengths

#7) Amazing, mind-blowing, powerful…conversation. Yeah. Please pass the ice water.

#8) Even when he's hurting (physically or emotionally), he keeps fighting for his woman

#9) Rises above the evil that defines him to become something much more

#10) Ok, I secretly wish I were Allie. (Darn it, I'm just not that awesome and cool.)

Please feel free to add any other reasons of your own. :)

I couldn't stop with the first list. I kept thinking of more...

#1) "Double header" = I use this term when doing both an upper GI endoscopy along with a colonoscopy. (Don't worry, we use different scopes!) The scopes are often referred to as "roto-rooters". (In some places, the GI docs are called "roto-rooters" -- it's probably a regional vernacular difference.)

#2) "Donorcycle" = Trauma patients who were riding a motorcycle when they had the accident. Sometimes these patients are described as "ART", assuming room temperature….

#3) "BOHICA" = Also not necessarily medical, but Bend Over Here It Comes Again describes many ER shifts. Many cluster-f$%#s in the office, on an Ob call shift. Anything.

#4) "Vaginal bypass" = C-section

#5) "CNS-QNS" = Central Nervous System - Quantity Not Sufficient. I use this term to describe bone-headed 21 year old males who rode on Donorcycles. 

#6) "Pop drop"  Don't ever do this. It's truly evil. Here's how it goes: 
     When family members become inconvenienced by granny's mild dementia/incontinence and caring for her is cramping their need to get drunk/high, go hunting/shopping, attend a New Year's Eve party, etc., they drop her off at the ER with a slew of nebulous symptoms like "weak in the eyes" or "poor appetite". Unfortunately, malpractice and family demands being what they are, ER docs must perform a full workup to make sure granny is truly ok. It's during this time of extensive testing that family members will DISAPPEAR, and amazingly the phones in which their noses were stuck no longer work until the weekend or holiday is over. So granny sits in the ER, kind of sad and hopeful, eating hospital sandwiches, cups of juice and graham crackers for Saturday night or Christmas Eve. If you ever do this to an old person, I will find you and do mean things. I'm a part-time endoscopist. Do not screw with me.

#7) "Two big dudes" = The exact number of attackers described by any male trauma victim. Amazingly, every single time there is a guy who gets beat up, it's always because of "two big dudes". I'm guessing it's too embarrassing to admit to "my girlfriend whooped my ass". Often "two big dudes" description is prefaced by the phrase "I was just minding my own business." Interestingly, in trauma centers and ER's, "minding my own business" is the #1 cause of injury.

#8) "You can't kill dirt" = The meanest, nastiest, most horrible excuses for human beings who have a plethora of impossible-to-treat conditions….somehow always survive and live to torment us another day.

#9) "LLMNLD" = Looks Like Mom, Not Like Dad.

#10) "WADAO" = Weak And Dizzy All Over. Not to be confused with "weak in the eyes" which, in Appalachia, is something very different, distinct, and requires "another medical test" that we haven't done yet (despite the fact that the first 50 tests were perfectly fine).

#11) Bonus: "WFD" = Waiting For Disability. I had a patient list that as her "occupation" on the patient intake form. Yup. I pay taxes for that. (By the way, this person was a little overweight, had nice gel nails, a new cell phone with fancy cover, pack of cigs in the pocket, and drove a nice SUV. Saw me for "tired all the time". Staff later reported that patient was seen twerking for hours at the bar the following Friday night. This is why it's good to practice in small towns. That's some good info right there.)

Ok, I'm about to spill secrets. Keys to the kingdom. Pull the curtain aside to reveal the wizard.

May I humbly present: abbreviations/slang terms I have used in training/practice for the past 15 years. Otherwise known as reason #2461 why I am going to hell.

Disclaimer full of way too much honesty: I enjoy taking care of (nearly all of) my patients. The work is (exhausting) rewarding. But sometimes docs have to insulate themselves from the boatloads of >crazy< and frustration and quite frankly, keep from going down the black hole of sadness that sometimes comes with the territory. And no, I'm not depressed, not in the least. But this warped sense of humor is what keeps me from reaching for zoloft….

#1) "Calorie overdose" = Mentioned in an irreverent dictation by a colleague who was up to his eyeballs in obese patients. I think my buddy finally cracked. He also got a reprimand for writing that phrase. Come on, everyone knows you never EVER put this stuff on paper.

#2) "Facultative anaerobe" = Patients who survive in a low-oxygen environment. Often seen in little old 3 pack/day smokers who believe that their end-stage COPD requiring 4 liters of O2 has "absolutely nothing" to do with their tobacco use. Often as O2 levels drop, confusion increases, as does levels of denial and general blame of the doctor not being able to fix the breathing problem.

#3) "GOMER" = Get out of my ER. (Also known as "treat and street".) The most annoying/dramatic human being/family member in the universe or the most sick-as-s$#t patient you've ever seen. Either way, and for totally different reasons, you really don't want them in your ER. Folks who work in Level I trauma centers are screwed here. All the bad stuff from our critical access hospitals (GOMERs) go to the Level I's. (All doo-doo rolls downhill.)

#4) "AODHOB" = Angel of Death, Head of Bed. Don't judge. It's a quick way for the ER doc to describe the state of the patient who might not survive the trip down the hall to the ICU.

#5) "CTD" = Circling the Drain. See above.

#6) "FLK,NLM" = Funny Looking Kid, Normal Looking Mom. (Can be NLK,FLM or can be FLK,FLM.) Most often used in the nursery when the kid comes out and the squishy, weird facial features from passage through the birth canal don't improve at 24 hours. Then you look a little more closely at the parents and make a comparison.

#7) "PPPPP" = "Piss Poor Protoplasm, Poorly Perfused" Really, do you need me to explain this one?

#8) "All foam, no beer" = Not necessarily specific to medicine, but it works just fine.

#9) "The Q sign" = Ok folks, let's visualize this one. Picture a patient who is obtunded from, say, alcohol intoxication and is passed out in the semi-recumbant position on the hospital bed. His head is tilted to the side, mouth is open, and tongue is hanging out of the dependent corner of his mouth, thus making the tail of the Q.

#10) "Squirrel" = Often accompanied by the tch tch tch squirrel sound and a nose scrunch/wiggle. When someone can't keep their story straight about why their drug screen is positive for meth when they've never smoked it "ever" or how they managed to get a broom handle lodged in their rectum. "One in a million shot, doc." (thank you Frank Costanza)