If you've clicked through the pages of this blog, you'll know I have a preoccupation with how people in airports drive me nuts. After 2 (or was it 3) posts about how much airport people make me want to tear out my hair, I thought that well had run dry.
Then I went on another trip.
Why airport people make me crazy, round 3 (or 4?):
#10) How does an adult woman pack a full-sized Pantene bottle of shampoo into her carry-on and then have the temerity to go postal on the hapless TSA worker who tells her to throw the bottle away? Anyone who has breathed in the past 15 years knows : little travel size. Anything larger can be a bomb. A bomb of fabulous lather and three natural conditioners, including jojoba.
#9) Let's take a quiz. Let's say the sign says: "1 carry-on and 1 personal item" Does this mean A) 2 rolling suitcases + a purse B) 1 baby carseat + diaper bag + stroller + rolling luggage bag (per person) or C) backpack (like one you would use for camping for a week) + guitar + 3 plastic grocery store bags full of gear. (If you answered all three, you win the prize.)
#8) Item #9 -- all of it -- attempting to be crammed into the overhead slots of a regional jet. And then being ticked off when it does not work.
Apparently, the 20 previous items I wrote about weren't enough. I've encountered even more things that drive me nuts about airports on my recent travels.
#1) Coughing. Without covering your mouth. For 1200 miles. Thank you, I expect to convert my next TB test to a positive result. Fabulous.
#2) Screaming…. wait for it ….. CATS? Apparently, pet sitters, cat hotels, or boarding are not adequate for these two mangy princesses. They are carried on, terrified, and wailing, for 1200 miles. Non stop meowing. I love my kitties, but I cannot take nails on the chalkboard sounds for 2.5 hours.
#3) People talking on the phone loudly in public. I know this item is a repeat, but it still drives me nuts. For the love of all that is holy, I don't need to hear about how "Bob is going to freak when HR tells him, that's BS, blah blah blah". Ok, if you're brokering a merger of, say, Apple and Microsoft, then fine, I'll spot you that one. You can talk loudly on the phone in public. Because that's pretty freakin' amazing. Anyone else? A little respect for those of us quietly reading our Kindles and wishing we were sitting on our couch at home. In silence.
1) Cups of ice with a splash of diet coke. (Come ON, just give me the rest of the can. I swear I can handle it.)
2) That toddler behind me kicking the back of my seat for 2 hours. Fabulous. Parents, ever heard of discipline, or are you just happy that ADHD/Junior is securely fastened in place by a seatbelt?
3) Inconsistent signage. (Thanks for directing me to pass through the exit/baggage claim, instead of veer off to the next terminal for my next flight. That was a fun re-TSA hour of my life I didn't have to spare.)
4) The flight attendant (can't call them stewardesses) with the really loud voice who is talking nonstop about safety (ok, important), miles earned (if I were a loyalty member, I would earn a free flight in, like 20 years), and destination information. It wouldn't be so bad, if she didn't pause to come up for air once. Like she's got a third lung.
5) The pilot who I can never hear, who could be telling me about the distance to destination and the weather conditions, or could be telling me about how the right engine just blew a johnson rod and we are about to spiral into the face of the Earth.
1) Public bathrooms. Have you ever watched how many folks DON'T wash their hands afterwards? Ewwwwww. Ebola is the least of our problems, if we can't get this simple task hardwired into the public psyche. Go to tooter, wipe, then wash hands. With SOAP. Rinse and dry hands. You can achieve the twelfth level of Resident Evil. I know you can do this simple thing to prevent enterohemorrhagic e-coli. Or measles. Actually, with measles you're screwed no matter what you do. Good luck and get your MMR boosted.
2) Panda Express. Dadgum, my stomach just got queasy thinking about it.
3) Customer service reps who fake-type on their computers. I know those perfect, evenly spaced keystrokes in concert with your vapid expression cannot be connected to any aspect of reality. The entire dog and pony show was created by some psych major-turned customer loyalty director who did a study (n = 4) that showed lots of assiduous typing prior to a boarding pass being produced correlated positively with customer service experience.
4) People talking on cell phones. While talking to customer service reps. Or while getting fast food. Or while in the bathroom. Dude, seriously? No one, and I mean absolutely NO ONE is that important. EVER. Ever, ever, ever. And you, Mr. Wall Street talking loudly on you bluetooth while gesticulating wildly? You don't look super cool and business savvy. Just schizophrenic.
Author, daydreamer, and practitioner of trying very hard to duct tape folks together and help when I can.
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