Oh boy, it’s been so long since I’ve written a proper blog. You all know how much I love lists. And cats. So let’s do this thing!
Sadly, I lost two cats to illness last year. While I cannot replace my lovelies who crossed the rainbow bridge too soon, we were able to adopt more. So let’s introduce you to the most recent family of shelter cats.
Fluffy – Pretty plus and absurdly hirsute, her main hobbies include judging others and hissing. And snacks. Lots of snacks. Preferably brought to her by her human slaves.
"I'm sitting in mah chair, shedding large quantities of hair, while I judge you."
"Mumsies, you did not specifically tell me NOT to climb up here."
Fred – With his sister, Wilma, was rescued from a hoarding situation where he had no attention and not a lot of care. Current hobbies: rubbing his cheeks against his mommy’s face, purring loudly, getting into trouble, and begging for goldfish (crackers).
"I was given to understand that dinner would be served promptly at 6pm."
Wilma – A petite girl with a big meow. Sister to Fred. Hobbies include burrowing under my blankets right at 3am every morning, running back and forth in the house like she’s lost her mind, and posturing in a threatening manner at the birds outside the living room window.
These three devils -- er, angels -- provide hours of entertainment. But sometimes, these little fur balls are just plain … jerks. Here’s a sampling of why:
"Mumsies, we cannot help but notice that you've been eating too many donuts lately..."
No surprise, but hubs and I loved every pound kitty we've owned. They’re totally a mess, semi-defective, and that's what gives them...character.
In case you think dogs are better than cats, let me describe my two current “preciouses” and change your mind.
#1) They are automatic foot warmers. Even in summer. How fabulous...
#2) We do not have to let them out to use the bathroom in inclement weather. They’ve got their own box. Indoors. We do not have to walk them. They wouldn't go, if we tried.
#3) They stare at us adoringly for hours. Or maybe they’re plotting some sort of revenge.
#4) Excellent actors. The younger, ridiculously hairy cat had us totally fooled by the look-at-how-sweet-I-am act at the pound. Now that she has a roof over her head and blankets to shed upon? She’s the devil.
#5) No need for alarm clocks. When 5:30 am rolls around, if hubs or I aren’t up, the cats think their world has stopped spinning and we are 1 human getting out of bed away from complete annihilation. Their mission: get us out of bed and feeding them kibbles to prevent the world from being destroyed.
#6) The older cat is literally dumber than two bricks put together. (He’s also cross-eyed, the vet couldn’t find his testicles, and he had some sort of congenital eyelid problem. We’re pretty sure he’d ride the short bus to school, if he were human.) He has but one brain cell, and it is set on “snuggle”.
#7) They’re tough. These animals are so ornery, they will live forever.
#8) They have opinions but not opposable thumbs. While they might be thinking “flabby Mommy” when I step out of the shower, they cannot post or Tweet these thoughts.
#9) Bedtime and waking up time are the best times of their days. Other than sleeping time, grooming time, and snack time, that is.
#10) They’re fabulous hunters…in their own minds. I’m not sure what the dumb cat will do with the deer he’s posturing after through the window, but he believes he can totally take her.
My cat sits and stares at me for hours.
No, it's not an expression of adoration. It's judgement.
But what is she really thinking...?
10) Oooh, dust motes!
9) How many nails can I pull off and deposit on the freshly-vacuumed carpet?
8) Yippee, clean clothes! Time to sit on them and shed.
7) Yippee, clean clothes! Time to ralph up a hairball on them.
6) Yippee, clean clothes! Time to chew a clean bra strap.
5) Mumsy's gotten kind of lumpy.
4) If I lick my chops, the scent of fish-n-glop will go everywhere!
3) I hope Mumsy doesn't want her pillow back anytime soon.
2) It's amazing how a kitty like me can be so pretty. (BTW, she's a hairy nightmare.)
1) Why is Mumsy always writing? She knows I can't read.
As I drifted into a blissful slumber with my pudgy, special needs kitty purring on my chest, a new blog idea came to me.
I love paranormal and all its opportunities. So what creatures could have paranormal powers?
Any of them.
With that poorly-thought-out theory, I give you a new list:
Why My Cats Are Paranormal Beings
10) Healing: Faster than medication, cheaper than counseling -- petting a cat will immediately lower blood pressure.
9) Nocturnal: Everything paranormal seems to function best in the dark.
8) X-ray vision: Can see the sealed package of salmon inside of the bag of groceries I'm trying to sneak into the house.
7) Elastic powers: Can compress bodies to fit into spaces 4 inches wide. How? Especially with the one cat who is "pretty plus"? How is this even possible?
6) Mind control: Will stare at me until I pet them or feed them. I will do whichever activity they want.
5) Soporific: Will pancake into an amoeba of goo on my chest and that oozilation will put me to sleep instantly.
4) Super sonic hearing: Can detect a cottage cheese container opening from the far end of the house.
3) Telekinesis: Inserts themselves beneath my feet.
2) Septic abilities: Observes when any member of the household uses the lavatory. Uncertain as to whether inspection encompasses quality, consistency, disposal, hygiene or all the above.
1) Hydrophobic: Will levitate in an effort to avoid bathing. Mostly likely due to superior powers to change ion polarity between air and water.
1) If she has an opinion of me, at least she won't blog about it (no opposable thumbs)
2) Never asks to change the channel
3) Listens to me with undivided attention
4) Does not judge me when I'm naked
5) Every time I come home, is briefly thrilled that I'm back
6) Does not argue
7) Does not use all the hot water
8) Never questions if I spend my day off in jammies
9) No snoring
10) Never corrects my grammar
Author, daydreamer, and practitioner of trying very hard to duct tape folks together and help when I can.