As I drifted into a blissful slumber with my pudgy, special needs kitty purring on my chest, a new blog idea came to me.

I love paranormal and all its opportunities. So what creatures could have paranormal powers? 

Any of them. 

With that poorly-thought-out theory, I give you a new list:
Why My Cats Are Paranormal Beings



10) Healing: Faster than medication, cheaper than counseling -- petting a cat will immediately lower blood pressure.

9) Nocturnal: Everything paranormal seems to function best in the dark.

8) X-ray vision: Can see the sealed package of salmon inside of the bag of groceries I'm trying to sneak into the house.

7) Elastic powers: Can compress bodies to fit into spaces 4 inches wide. How? Especially with the one cat who is "pretty plus"? How is this even possible?

6) Mind control: Will stare at me until I pet them or feed them. I will do whichever activity they want.

5) Soporific: Will pancake into an amoeba of goo on my chest and that oozilation will put me to sleep instantly.

4) Super sonic hearing: Can detect a cottage cheese container opening from the far end of the house.

3) Telekinesis: Inserts themselves beneath my feet.

2) Septic abilities: Observes when any member of the household uses the lavatory. Uncertain as to whether inspection encompasses quality, consistency, disposal, hygiene or all the above.

1) Hydrophobic: Will levitate in an effort to avoid bathing. Mostly likely due to superior powers to change ion polarity between air and water.

I've been thinking about the whole "write what you know" concept. Sure, that's great. But what if the stuff you "know" really shouldn't ever be made into a novel? Like, ever?

In my first novel, my heroine is an ER doctor. Cool. I've done that job, so that's writing about something I know. (And NO Allison is not me, because I'm not that skinny, tormented, awesome, and I don't want kids. So there.) 

There are a lot of visceral injuries throughout all of my novels because apparently I'm not "well-adjusted" or have "suppressed feelings" or something all psychological like that. (You work in rural ER's, you'll see about a thousand bizarre ways the human body can be broken, mangled, and destroyed. After duct taping that mess back together, crying, praying or hosing yourself off, it occurs -- that's good fodder for writing!)

My upcoming 3rd book features a kick-ass nurse as a heroine, so again, there's that medical aspect of verisimilitude in the novels. Ok, fine, none of the nurses I know are actually 150 years old, but I enjoy researching the history of medicine, so there's that.

But as I'm getting ready to embark on a new series, contemplating new characters, situations, occupations, and scenarios, it occurs to me that "write what you know" can only take a writer so far. In some circumstances, you should NOT write what you know. Sometimes simply making stuff up (pie maker meets speed skater, for example) is safer, if you work in certain fields.

So, as an exercise in the theatre of the ridiculous: I double dog dare you all -- try and turn these into romance novels!

#10) Postal worker meets disgruntled customer and they fall madly in….nope.

#9) Penniless feminist slam poet + ruthless and driven CEO gabillionaire. Actually, there might be promise here. Their child would produce haikus worth $50K/poem and junior would wear shabby chic clothing that goes for $500/shirt but looks "distressed".

#8) Garbage collector +….. (again, I think it's the scent, not the scenario or the type of employee -- if you do it right, the hero garbage collector could have some rockin' forearms and phenomenal stamina)

#7) Circus elephant poo scooper +….. (see above -- interesting setting but wouldn't feature this character for same reason -- scent)

#6) Disgruntled family doc who plows through hours of prior authorizations meets cost-slashing hospital CEO and a medical insurance adjustor. (It's a menage-a-trois from hell. Actually has potential in the paranormal market. The CEO will have hooves and horns and the adjustor will blow smoke up the heroine's ass as part of the three-way. Yet only one party gets screwed. Yeah.) (Uh oh. Sounds like it's time to talk to a counselor again for me. Sorry for the thinly-veiled rant.)

#5) Sexy mortician falls in love with.... No, no, no. First of all, when things get hot and heavy, everything's going to smell like formalin, and having lived through Gross Anatomy class, let me say that THAT particular scent is a buzz kill. (If there is erotica that features necrophilia, please never let me know. Rigor mortis is all fun and games until someone/something gets stuck. Yuck. Double yuck. Barf.)

#4) Speaking of ass, endoscopy is part of my costumed not-so-superhero day job. Not even if you pay me, will I work an impacted food bolus removal or colonoscopy into a novel. I might mention colon cancer and prevention because that's the soap box I'm currently standing on. But never ever will my H/H meet over the south end of a scope.

#3) Abattoir owner. Nope. Temple Grandin did a great nonfiction on this topic, by the way. But not romance.

#2) Octomom-type character  + …… Nope. No time for romance. Would be more of a multitasking/child care how-to book.

#1) Homebound "Assassin's Creed" gamer virtually falls in love with a "Halo" player. Virtually have sex in between purchasing more ammo and lives. Virtual discussion about prenup results in someone virtually getting a grenade lobbed at him. It's like Tron, except with less spandex and helmet lights and more acne and body odor. This story could fly.

Ok, this will be a bit more serious than most of my posts. But I did 4 scopes today, all of which had polyps/masses, and when I did the last one on a 42 y/o dude and it looks like he's got cancer? Well, then it's time to use this blog to say something more meaningful than the usual snark.

The good news? I love lists!

Ten reasons why Dr. Jill thinks you should get your colonoscopy.

#1) If you have any GI symptoms, please don't chalk it up to "nothing". Let your doctor know about it. This 42 y/o guy today? TWO+ YEARS OF RECTAL BLEEDING? Damn it, you want to know what I saw when I got 5 cm into his rectum? Let's just say the mass was bleeding and fungating. When I mutter "crap" during a case, it has nothing to do with poopy. If he had come in shortly after the bleeding started, this would have been a simple polypectomy. Now it's chemotherapy + a colon resection + possible metastases + …..? What a raw deal.

#2) It'll make your parents/family/boyfriend/girlfriend happier knowing that you're healthy. They don't want to worry about you. Why put them through the worry?

#3) All the cool kids are doing it.

#4) Propofol gives you the best nap of your life. Ever. And sometimes Propofol produces sexual fantasy dreams. For real. Patients have told me STORIES. Note to writers: a colonoscopy could lead to inspiration and narrative breakthrough! (Better than binge-watching Lost….)

#5) It's way cheaper to do a screening colonoscopy than wait for symptoms and pay part of the fee for the chemo, central line port, colon resection, colostomy, reversal, and boatloads of doctor's visits.

#6) Haven't you always wanted to make medical professionals kiss your ass? This is about as close as anyone's gonna get. Take advantage of the opportunity!

#7) Time off work. Yippee! Vacation! I scope folks on Fridays -- wahoo -- 3 day weekends for my patients!

#8) Fastest growing group of patients with colon cancer? AGE 20-34 HOLY SMOKES. Read more about it in this article.

#9) You know there's a hot doctor/orderly/nurse/OR tech. Never know where that can lead. Makes a much cooler "meet" story than Match.com.

#10) You've been complaining about losing those 5 pounds. Well, here's your chance. 


BONUS: People pay good money for bogus high colonics. Getting a real colonoscopy is an opportunity to experience a colon cleanse minus the patchouli oil smell and zen spa sounds, plus it comes with a good chance that it will actually improve your health!