1) Orthopedist's Guide to Bedside Manner
2) Family Doctor's Manual: Making Lots of Money in an Accountable Care Organization (ACO)
3) Losing Weight Without Diet or Exercise
4) Sparkling Personality Traits of Neurosurgeons
5) What Cigna Covers: The Complete Listing of Covered Procedures, Medications and Medical Equipment
6) Hospital CEO's Handbook: How to Compose Concise Emails and Reduce the Number of Committees
7) Fashion Trends for Pathologists
8) Dermatology Rash Treatment (here's a hint, it's always "steroids")
9) Chief of Staff's Guide: How To Run a Meeting in One Hour or Less
10) Early Retirement For Primary Care Physicians

1) My cat needed to cuddle
2) That lady is completely dilated and her head-spinning exorcism of blood-curdling screams have my undivided attention.
3) Maybe I got an email? I should check.
4) Maybe something new occurred on Facebook?
5) I've been up all night and my brain is actually numb. Like it's bathed in ice. I can only stare at funny kitty videos.
6) Maybe I got an email? I should check.
7) Hubby complains: "Where's the return on investment for that writing hobby?" (Thanks, Mr. Navy Seals Book and DVD Collector, I wonder the same thing. Only now I'm depressed for both of us.)
8) Facebook? I looked away for like 10 seconds. What did I miss???
9) Well, it's almost 8pm, which means almost bedtime and I have to properly prepare for snoozation.
10) That day job. And guilt about that day job. And an honest to pete desire to try to help people when their life is in danger.
Bonus reason) Maybe I got an email? I should check.

​First up, Barbies that never made it to production. (Thanks to my college roommate, R, for help with this one, way too many years ago. She and I got in trouble for laughing too hard in our dorm when we came up with this list. Pretty sure soda came out my nose at some point. I've added a few new items to the list and removed some exceptionally offensive list items.)

Let's just get a disclaimer out of the way for all of these lists. You are seeing the way my head works and doing things like silly lists makes me so happy. No offense is ever meant. And I'll give a blanket "I'm sorry" right up front. Yes, I know I'm going to hell for most the things I find funny. I'm ok with that.

​Ok, straight up, I love my patients. I learn so much from them. Here's a few reasons why I think a bunch of these folks are great.

An 84 year old couple, the L's, who volunteer to sit with their fellow parishioners at the nursing home.

A 93 year old gentleman Mr. W who tells me that some of his joint and weak bladder issues >might< be because he's "finally getting old".

Mrs. J whose trip to the casino was interrupted by a face plant on concrete, who argued with the EMT's who made her go to the hospital, and she reminds me that she will turn 96 between now and her next appointment with me in a month.

​In a rare un-medical post and an even rarer girly girl post, I need to talk about shopping. Need. To.

Don't get met wrong, I loved the ECWC. http://gsrwa.org/ecwc/conference/ Loved it. But I won't lie, there's this big ol' mall right across the road from the hotel. With *fancy* stores and all. And on the other side of the hotel? A Barnes and Noble. A real one. With books. You know, with the book-smell and everything.

So what is this shopping that I speak of?

Let me put this in perspective. If you were to drive to the end of the world, then go another hour, you're getting close to where I live. My street address doesn't mapquest well. And that's cool, because normally online shopping works just fine.

But to be there in person? In a mall? In a big book store? HEAVEN.

My husband has an app on his phone that buzzes every time there's a charge on our credit card. So I could just imagine him getting mildly electrocuted every half hour or so while I was burning up the sales. His face going EERGH, MRRPH, TWAACK.

​I've been having such a blast at the Emerald City Writer's Conference http://gsrwa.org/ecwc/conference/ learning more about the craft and getting lots of nitty gritty/tasty tidbits on the industry.

But what really makes me smile is just how so very comfortable folks are with topics that I generally do not discuss to this degree in a typical day. As a matter of fact, if I did, I'm reasonably certain I'd get something written up (not in a good way) by my employer.

Take this evening at Cactus for example. Our dinner diva, Clare McKay http://claremckay.com had a rompin' great time with the hunky male model earlier in the day, even producing an exceptionally passionate up-close photo that could pass for a book cover right this minute! I made an executive decision and titled this nonexistent book "Teaching the Teacher". I think it's both risqué and sexy! But over dinner, we're all chitty-chatting about erotica and scenes, and the industry, etc.. Like, everything is fair game for human sexuality discussion -- both physical and emotional.

Same thing at the conference, everywhere you turn, folks are super comfy with themselves and human sexuality, as well as the depiction of said sexuality in various permutations of literature forms. One of the most vigorous debates I witnessed was "how do you define erotica versus high heat romance?" Well, there's a question I never really considered, but obviously someone totally cares about the answer.

​Ok, so I'm a little proud here. Got first place in the Catherine Contest (Toronto RWA). Wahoo! Requested for a full manuscript by the judging editor. Wahoo, wahoo! And now my book goes to the best-of-the-best type of finals. Wahooooooo!

If you've kept up on my neuroses described in these (un)hallowed pages, then you'll understand about my final big wahoo: I finally beat that Hover chick! Before I get all full of myself, let's keep this real: she's schooled my ass on 90% of anything else I've entered and she's won contests I didn't even final in, so it's just my tiny consolation. And yes, as I've mentioned before, she's clearly a really good writer and now I'll probably have to go buy her stuff, and yes, everything points to her being a super nice and well-balanced person, unlike yours truly. 

​So just to demonstrate how odd some of the critiques are, I'm going to mention two things.

First of all Dante's Inferno is coming in with very extreme reactions from judges. They either absolutely love love love it, and it's getting like 98-99/100's or (thankfully less frequently) it's completely crucified, like 40-50. Out of, now, 10 judging returns, there is literally nothing in between, which is fascinating. Clearly, I have work to do, but again interesting to see such extremes in how people receive the manuscript.

Second, I got a comment on Hell to Pay that said something like 'the details of the opening ER scene were not medically accurate, nor was the reaction of the heroine.' (Again, thankfully, this is a very uncommon comment, most were very positive.) So why do I find that funny? Because that's a code I've run before. Multiple times. As an ER doctor. In a small hospital. As a car wreck victim off the interstate rolled up to the ER. Ok, minus the paranormal hottie with a temp of 107, preternaturally healing, and tall dark and handsome part. But the intake scene, the assessment, calling out orders, interpretation, repair. Lifted from real life.

​Red letter weekend! Two vaginal deliveries in DAYLIGHT (huzzah!) within the past 24 hours. Both of my patients were lovely, pleasant people, gainfully employed, married, non substance-users, who both had several prior miscarriages. One lady had 2 miscarriages followed by an ectopic pregnancy last year where she had emergency surgery to remove a fallopian tube and hemorrhaged badly enough to need transfusions. The other lady had 1 miscarriage then a pregnancy where the fetus had a series of lethal fetal anomalies/genetic disorders that was not comparable with life and she had this baby at 21 weeks (i.e. it did not survive) a year ago. Needless to say, the relief I felt at the delivery of two perfect, chubby baby girls, was nothing compared to the mother and father's relief. It's great to see deserving people finally be able to have a baby. I love, too, that there was absolutely zero family drama. 

It seems odd to mention drama, but too often, there is >something<. Like, I've had 2 women in labor at the same time and the FOB (father of baby) was the same dude, and both women were pushing within a few hours of each other. Or when the delivery becomes all about the mother/mother-in-law's feelings being hurt when the patient requests that only the FOB to be present for the pushing and delivery. (Hey, it's personal and folks don't want to flash crotch, I can understand that.) Or my super best story is when I had to call security twice  -- once for a FOB + possible other FOB fighting in the hallway, and the second time for FOB + patient's father fighting in the hallway. To be clear, the latter situation involved a 14 year old pregnant patient, a 24 year old FOB, a royally pissed off patient's father, and the police. (It's statutory, you understand. Underage female w/ over 21 man = felony. Just sayin'.)