1) Orthopedist's Guide to Bedside Manner
2) Family Doctor's Manual: Making Lots of Money in an Accountable Care Organization (ACO)
3) Losing Weight Without Diet or Exercise
4) Sparkling Personality Traits of Neurosurgeons
5) What Cigna Covers: The Complete Listing of Covered Procedures, Medications and Medical Equipment
6) Hospital CEO's Handbook: How to Compose Concise Emails and Reduce the Number of Committees
7) Fashion Trends for Pathologists
8) Dermatology Rash Treatment (here's a hint, it's always "steroids")
9) Chief of Staff's Guide: How To Run a Meeting in One Hour or Less
10) Early Retirement For Primary Care Physicians

1) My cat needed to cuddle
2) That lady is completely dilated and her head-spinning exorcism of blood-curdling screams have my undivided attention.
3) Maybe I got an email? I should check.
4) Maybe something new occurred on Facebook?
5) I've been up all night and my brain is actually numb. Like it's bathed in ice. I can only stare at funny kitty videos.
6) Maybe I got an email? I should check.
7) Hubby complains: "Where's the return on investment for that writing hobby?" (Thanks, Mr. Navy Seals Book and DVD Collector, I wonder the same thing. Only now I'm depressed for both of us.)
8) Facebook? I looked away for like 10 seconds. What did I miss???
9) Well, it's almost 8pm, which means almost bedtime and I have to properly prepare for snoozation.
10) That day job. And guilt about that day job. And an honest to pete desire to try to help people when their life is in danger.
Bonus reason) Maybe I got an email? I should check.

First up, Barbies that never made it to production. (Thanks to my college roommate, R, for help with this one, way too many years ago. She and I got in trouble for laughing too hard in our dorm when we came up with this list. Pretty sure soda came out my nose at some point. I've added a few new items to the list and removed some exceptionally offensive list items.)

Let's just get a disclaimer out of the way for all of these lists. You are seeing the way my head works and doing things like silly lists makes me so happy. No offense is ever meant. And I'll give a blanket "I'm sorry" right up front. Yes, I know I'm going to hell for most the things I find funny. I'm ok with that.

#1) Crash test Barbie (arms and legs will fly apart if you drop her on the floor)
#2) Strange fungus Barbie (uh, no)
#3) Birkenstock Barbie (eats granola, has real armpit hair!)
#4) Bondage Barbie (comes with leather choker, cat-o-nine tails, and your own special safe word printed on the inside of the box)
#5) Happy dreams Ken (no, no, NO)
#6) STD Barbie (comes with a preloaded syringe of penicillin, hooray!)
#7) My first boyfriend Ken with his very special friend, Ralph
#8) Anatomically correct Ken (Seriously, Mattel, is he a eunuch? How can he and Barbie reproduce? Talk about a rude awakening for me when I finally got to sex ed class. There's a WHAT that goes WHERE?)
#9) Melanoma Malibu Barbie (this is what happens when you go for that deep brown tan, honey)
#10) PMS Barbie (hair-trigger flip-you-off action, kind of squishy in the middle where she's retained water, and adult acne)
BONUS #11) Cosmetic procedures Barbie, comes with a blank stare and unrealistically large breasts. Oh, wait…never mind.

Let me know if I've missed any!

Ok, straight up, I love my patients. I learn so much from them. Here's a few reasons why I think a bunch of these folks are great.

An 84 year old couple, the L's, who volunteer to sit with their fellow parishioners at the nursing home.

A 93 year old gentleman Mr. W who tells me that some of his joint and weak bladder issues >might< be because he's "finally getting old".

Mrs. J whose trip to the casino was interrupted by a face plant on concrete, who argued with the EMT's who made her go to the hospital, and she reminds me that she will turn 96 between now and her next appointment with me in a month.

What do they have in common, besides the fact that I love talking with them? They define what it is to grow old WELL. They're not the crotchety "screw it" grannie or the weight-lifting "you think you're better than me?" Mandelbaums (Seinfeld, anyone?). These folks are just awesome. They make me smile and make me sit up and listen when they come into the office. True, they might not give a flip what other people think anymore, but they're really nice about it.

You know, I love it when they talk about "when I grow old" or complain about "those old folks". (To which I always ask, "Um, how do you define old?") When I see these folks, it reminds me to stay active, physically and mentally. It reminds me that it's the marathon, not the sprint. And it reminds me that there's a "young 90" and an "old 50" and which one we get to be depends on some luck but depends much more on a good attitude and solid habits. So maybe I'll never set the world on fire. But dadgum, I do want to still be striding forth into the big world with the same enthusiasm as now. That's what I learn from these awesome patients. How to keep life fresh, active, and how to stay eager.

Any older folks in your life that make your day?

In a rare un-medical post and an even rarer girly girl post, I need to talk about shopping. Need. To.

Don't get met wrong, I loved the ECWC. http://gsrwa.org/ecwc/conference/ Loved it. But I won't lie, there's this big ol' mall right across the road from the hotel. With *fancy* stores and all. And on the other side of the hotel? A Barnes and Noble. A real one. With books. You know, with the book-smell and everything.

So what is this shopping that I speak of?

Let me put this in perspective. If you were to drive to the end of the world, then go another hour, you're getting close to where I live. My street address doesn't mapquest well. And that's cool, because normally online shopping works just fine.

But to be there in person? In a mall? In a big book store? HEAVEN.

My husband has an app on his phone that buzzes every time there's a charge on our credit card. So I could just imagine him getting mildly electrocuted every half hour or so while I was burning up the sales. His face going EERGH, MRRPH, TWAACK.

Let's get brutally honest. There were sales. And I had a coupon. And it was Clinique bonus days. GAME OVER. Because (to paraphrase from Bill Engvall or Jeff Foxworthy, can't remember whom), women will buy something we don't need to get something we don't want, as long as it's free. Oh sure, I see myself in mauve lipstick like…never. But damn it, the non-medical person at the counter in the bright white lab coat with impeccably airbrushed smooth skin > hate her < convinced me I would look fabulous in pink rouge. Rouge? I can't remember the last time I even thought that word. Well, right there, that's the last time.

If this writing gig ever becomes a real business, I'm wondering if a trip like this might count as a work expense? No? Oh well, it's a good try.

Anyone else with a clandestine shopping habit? I'd appreciate knowing that I'm not the only freak here.