1) Cups of ice with a splash of diet coke. (Come ON, just give me the rest of the can. I swear I can handle it.)
2) That toddler behind me kicking the back of my seat for 2 hours. Fabulous. Parents, ever heard of discipline, or are you just happy that ADHD/Junior is securely fastened in place by a seatbelt?
3) Inconsistent signage. (Thanks for directing me to pass through the exit/baggage claim, instead of veer off to the next terminal for my next flight. That was a fun re-TSA hour of my life I didn't have to spare.)
4) The flight attendant (can't call them stewardesses) with the really loud voice who is talking nonstop about safety (ok, important), miles earned (if I were a loyalty member, I would earn a free flight in, like 20 years), and destination information. It wouldn't be so bad, if she didn't pause to come up for air once. Like she's got a third lung.
5) The pilot who I can never hear, who could be telling me about the distance to destination and the weather conditions, or could be telling me about how the right engine just blew a johnson rod and we are about to spiral into the face of the Earth.
6) "Thank you, come again. Have a good day, now. Buh bye." I don't think they mean it. Especially after dealing with some of the gems on this flight. If I were the flight attendant, the only enthusiasm I could muster would be to get these pudknockers off my plane ASAP.
7) The toxic brew of recirculated air + sneezing passengers. Thank you for giving me and the other 100 folks any of the other 600 viruses circulating. And that cough/spew/sneeze combo? Pure magic. I appreciate you both liquefying then aerosolizing your sputum. It makes it so much easier for my nasal turbinates to absorb. I should be in the ICU after the standard 7-10 day incubation period. I'll start making plans now.
8) >3 carry on bags. Seriously? Three bags that are HOW BIG? How the hell did you sneak that mass of expanded suitcases and ripped paper bags past security with a straight face? And you're panicked that you can't fit those items in the overhead compartment? Huh.
9) Aromatic food brought on board. Panda Express, anyone? Next to me in the regional jet? I'm pretty sure some of your sweet and sour sauce leaked into my single small backpack carry on. Appreciate that, pal.
10) Musak of music that is already very close to being Musak already. It's like an audible lobotomy.
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Author, daydreamer, and practitioner of trying very hard to duct tape folks together and help when I can.
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