Crazy things non-writers say to a newbie author

#1) Is the main character based on you?

#2) Is the hero/villain/spunky sidekick based on someone you know?

#2.5) Not mentioned but you know they wanna ask: Is that scene how you have sex? (OMFG, do I WISH I were that flexible...and orgasmically refractory for eight hours at a stretch. As it stands, if I attempted 10% of one my sex scenes, I'd need a total hip replacement and rods placed into my back.)

#3) Do you have some kind of mental problem or need counseling? Because I read that book and there's a lot of violence and evil stuff and um....

#4) Why can't you write more books per month/year/decade? (You're right, I'm lazy. It's the only plausible explanation.)

#5) From my Mom (who by the way, does NOT know that I write dark paranormal, athletically- and unrealistically-sexy romance novels): Why don't you write one of those romance novels? You'd be good at it. (um....)

#6) Will you put me in your next book? (Thanks, hubby. No.)

#7) Can I have copies to give to my friends/family/coworkers?

#8) Are the guys on the cover real? (Please, baby Jesus, please make those cover guys be real and let them come over to visit.)

#9) Why don't you write something like that Twilight stuff? Seems like it was really popular. (Someone already sold their soul to Satan and did this already....)

#10) Why can't this book be sexier? Why can't this book be cleaner? (Please confer first and THEN pick 1 complaint.)