No preamble. Here goes.
#10) "Doc, I've had a 99 temp since this morning and have a runny nose. I need antibiotics so I can go shopping/water skiing/off-roading this weekend."
(These are the same folks that check the "not satisfied" box on the patient survey when I recommend NO antibiotics based on radical concepts like "medical evidence" and "exam findings".)
#9) "Why can't Dr. Jill see me? I'm only an hour late. She knows I can't wake up before 10am."
(Look, when you made this appointment 1 month ago, there were numerous options for appointment times, including late afternoon. My apologies for not hanging out at the front desk and intervening on behalf of your delicate biorhythms, but administration wants me to actually SEE PATIENTS during business hours.)
#8) "Diet and exercise doesn't work for me. I have a glandular problem. Even though my thyroid levels are 100% normal, I still must have thyroid medication to make me lose weight."
(The reason your weight doesn't go down has to do with the 1 liter Mtn. Dew you're sipping and with the fact you consider daily exercise to be walking from your car to the office. A thyroid pill will give you an arrhythmia and osteoporosis. "Not satisfied" box checked yet again. I will be fired by next week.)
#7) "Just give me the fat pill. But make sure it won't cost me anything."
(This is going to be a big disappointment. Exercise is free. Reducing calories is free. Popping Contrave, Qsymia, or Belviq will cost you anywhere from $50-300/month. About as much as your cigarettes + daily Mtn. Dew habit costs.)
#6) "Can your staff just watch my baby while I run to the grocery store?"
(I cannot make up this s%@t.)
#5) Friday. 3pm. I've been in the office the prior 4 days. Appointment slots have been available. Phone note: "Please have Dr. Jill admit Granny to the nursing home. We have to go to a niece's wedding tomorrow."
(I haven't done the required face-to-face visit, I don't know if Granny actually qualifies for nursing home care, and I'm up to my eyeballs in actual honest-to-Pete emergencies on this lovely Friday afternoon. Failure to plan on your part....Results in a low satisfaction rating on my part...)
#4) Phone note. "Patient 7 months pregnant, contracting and water leaking FOR 5 DAYS. Wonders what to do."
(5 days? Now you're calling???)
#3) "While I'm here today, could you just "take a quick look" at my 4 children who have runny noses. Also, could you fill out this packet so I can get my Zippy wheelchair?"
(Nothing is quick about working in 4 ill children. But what really makes you mad is the fact that you'll have to wait a bit until I can get the kids squeezed into the schedule, but by God, I'll try and help. Then I have to generate an actual patient note including vital signs, exam findings and treatment. For this, your insurance will be charged and you might have a copay. And that pisses you off even more. As for the Zippy paperwork, insurance mandates this be done as a separate visit. I agree, that's a stupid policy. But if you want it paid for, you must make another appointment.)
#2) I'm 34 weeks along. Why can't I be induced? My mom/friend/cousin/facebook pal's doctor did it for them. The baby came at 34 weeks and it did fine.
#1) The only thing I can take for my fibromyalgia pain is Percocet. 6 times daily. I'm allergic to tylenol.
(You realize Percocet contains TYLENOL, right?)
Author, daydreamer, and practitioner of trying very hard to duct tape folks together and help when I can.
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