Ok. We’re talking about fun stuff today. Like shopping.
Why? Because I’m in Seattle at the ECWC conference, and the hotel is right across from a big, beautiful mall.
So what, you say? Why the big deal about a mall, you might ask. Well, going to the Big City is a treat for those of us who live hours away from a Big Mall. And to find out there is a Big Department Store in the mall here? That’s me, totally verkelmpt over here. >fans self wildly<
But…there are things that make no sense in a mall.
#1) Why is there an extra large size in the petite section? Isn’t that an oxymoron?
#2) Why do they write on the bra tag “comfort underwire”? That’s also an oxymoron. Written by morons. Who don’t wear bras. Who are these people and where can I talk with them. Alone. In a small room.
#3) Why is there a chocolate store next to a sporting goods store?
#4) Why don’t they make bras that really fit how breasts go…like sideways. The tag needs an extra designation. Like “34D, laterally” or 38B, downward” so you know you’re getting the most accurate fit before going into the dressing room and acting like a monkey wrestler, trying to get those darn things on.
#5) Did you know that a woman will pay good money for stuff she doesn’t need to get free stuff she doesn’t want….just because it’s free? (Thank you, Clinique, you got me again. What the ever-loving hell am I supposed to do with a color called “iced lotus”? Where exactly am I supposed to apply >that< color?)
#6) “Extreme” push up bras? Why?? I tried one of these on for funsies. My nonexistent jugs were falling out over the top of this memory foam (yeah, I bet that foam has some stories to tell) nightmare. It was like a waiter bringing over a precariously balanced load of plastic plates…all empty. You know they’re about to fall, but it’s not satisfying when they do because there’s no mess.
#7) Perfume people.
#8) People in lab coats selling cosmetics. Like maybe I am the lab rat now? (Obviously worked on me. I bought it.)
#9) Exotic cuisine?
#10) And why are slippers in a different location than pajamas? And for that reason, why are socks on a different floor than shoes? Anyone?
#bonus) Here's a hint, marketing people: If the mannequin looks pissed-off wearing the outfit, chances are good I'm not going to be super enthusiastic about wearing it. That's bad karma. Frankly, as a 36-24-36 mannequin, if you hate the outfit, then my much sturdier shape most assuredly isn't going to rock that sweater set and slacks.
#bonus2) Skinny mirrors in dressing rooms. Tune in, people. It's a thing. Just re-tried on an outfit. In the dressing room? Karlie Kloss. Back in my hotel room? Santa Claus.
Author, daydreamer, and practitioner of trying very hard to duct tape folks together and help when I can.
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