First up, Barbies that never made it to production. (Thanks to my college roommate, R, for help with this one, way too many years ago. She and I got in trouble for laughing too hard in our dorm when we came up with this list. Pretty sure soda came out my nose at some point. I've added a few new items to the list and removed some exceptionally offensive list items.)
Let's just get a disclaimer out of the way for all of these lists. You are seeing the way my head works and doing things like silly lists makes me so happy. No offense is ever meant. And I'll give a blanket "I'm sorry" right up front. Yes, I know I'm going to hell for most the things I find funny. I'm ok with that.
#1) Crash test Barbie (arms and legs will fly apart if you drop her on the floor)
#2) Strange fungus Barbie (uh, no)
#3) Birkenstock Barbie (eats granola, has real armpit hair!)
#4) Bondage Barbie (comes with leather choker, cat-o-nine tails, and your own special safe word printed on the inside of the box)
#5) Happy dreams Ken (no, no, NO)
#6) STD Barbie (comes with a preloaded syringe of penicillin, hooray!)
#7) My first boyfriend Ken with his very special friend, Ralph
#8) Anatomically correct Ken (Seriously, Mattel, is he a eunuch? How can he and Barbie reproduce? Talk about a rude awakening for me when I finally got to sex ed class. There's a WHAT that goes WHERE?)
#9) Melanoma Malibu Barbie (this is what happens when you go for that deep brown tan, honey)
#10) PMS Barbie (hair-trigger flip-you-off action, kind of squishy in the middle where she's retained water, and adult acne)
BONUS #11) Cosmetic procedures Barbie, comes with a blank stare and unrealistically large breasts. Oh, wait…never mind.
Let me know if I've missed any!
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Author, daydreamer, and practitioner of trying very hard to duct tape folks together and help when I can.
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