In a sleep-deprived state (thank you, little 3am vampire baby delivery), it occurred to me that the advice I give for medical care is pretty good. (The fact that only about 1.3% of patients listen to it is another thing entirely.) But then I got to thinking: what health behaviors do my characters portray? Am I sending the wrong message?
I give you: Things my characters do that I would never recommend.
#10) Drive really fast. Ok, maybe if there’s a reason, fine, just be aware of surroundings and careful of other vehicles/pedestrians.
#9) Drink far too much coffee. Which is funny, because I don’t like coffee. But my characters do. Don’t the women know that lots of coffee will increase fibrocystic breast changes? Don’t the guys know that it just makes them annoying as hell when they’re that peppy and talkative in the mornings?
#8) Leave the Emergency Department AMA (Against Medical Advice) while not yet recovered from life-threatening injuries. Don’t give me this BS about how you're almost immortal. You need neuro checks and vitals q hour for overnight observation.
#7) Walk around with a strange man you only met a few hours ago. Ok, fine, he’s hot, but really, what do you know about him? Nada. Except that he’s hot. So there’s that. At least have your pepper spray ready. Oh wait, you did have your pepper spray ready? Ok.
#6) Jump off of tall buildings, like you don’t care. Sorry, what? You really don’t care if you live or die because you hate your existence? Oh, well. Hmm.
#5) Have unprotected sex. Yes, that’s the biggie. The only time I would ever give a pass on using the big johnson wrapper is in paranormal, because you can suspend disbelief and push reality a smidge. So we’re going to say if you’re 400 years old and quick-healing, then it’s unlikely that you can A) get someone pregnant (but you never know…) or B) have STD’s. Those are the rules of the world I created. Now, in my contemporary suspenses? Condoms all day long.
#4) Crawl into dark places like caves and tunnels without a helmet. How many times do you people have to get hit on the head to figure this one out?
#3) Not dress properly for inclement weather. Like snow, frigid temperatures, molten lava. When will they learn?
#2) For my female characters, stroll around the really bad parts of town. Ok, I get that you’re a badass nearly-immortal, but why take such chances? Oh, you don’t care if you live or die because you hate your existence? Ok, then. Got it.
#1) Blindly sign bogus contracts with creepy, really old dudes. At least read the fine print, people. That’s what got you into this mess in the first place!
Author, daydreamer, and practitioner of trying very hard to duct tape folks together and help when I can.
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